frankipedia
everything about frank
date written: 18 may 2018
author: frankussy
Frank: A Take on History
The Mysterious Appearance
Due to the commonality of Franks on earth, many humans forget the fact that there had been a period of time where no one knew Franks existed. Because they didn't.
​
Back before the 15th Century, Humans were the only intelligent species on the earth. They went about living life indigenously, completely unaware that giant creatures were about to bombard their planet.
The earliest fossils found date back all the way to year 1633, where with further inspection, it was concluded that the Frank had lived for 126 years. This Frank is known as the 'First Frank' or 'God Frank'. After the First Frank, the world became populated with Frank kind.
​
Till this very day, the mystery remains unsolved. Through centuries of research, not one shred of remains or artefacts can provide a solid reasoning to the sudden existence of Frank kind. There have however been countless theories, the most well known, and almost believed worldwide is the Crater Theory.
The Crater Theory
This theory has been around for centuries now. The humans believe that Franks are actually space creatures who have crash landed on earth. This is mainly due to the many enormous ass shaped craters left on earth. It is believed that when a frank farts, it produces a force of 200 tons. The idea is that amidst space, Franks used their farts as rocket fuel and it was able to propel further into deep space.
Image dated back to late 1600s, believed to be First Frank's
Frank Relations
Back when Franks started popping out of thin air, they were well feared. Their gargantuan sizes in comparison to the human race caused the humans to fear their safety and saw Frank as a threat of human extinction. Franks, however, have always been harmless. Archaeologists found through ancient fossils and artefacts that the franks have a generally clumsy nature, due to their tall lengths, they used to require instruments for stability. That was before they evolved a third spinal chord. Despite their clumsiness, their good hearted nature meant that Franks avoided stepping on humans, this was no easy task. Regardless, the humans never liked their presence, they wanted riddance of the entire race. This brought forth the events of the Homo Franko War, 1779.
The Beginning of War
June of 1773, a fatal incident had occurred. This incident would come to be the very event that executed the motion to go to war. The humans never saw what was coming. To be fair, neither did the Franks. This incident is known as "The Great Elimination". One day the franks were queuing for what was known back then as a Hotdog. One Frank joined the line. This frank was not tall, it stood at about 60 meters. What it was, however, was round. At 60 meters, Frank weighed 16398 kilos.
It just so happened that the Frank in front of it was a mere 3 meters tall. Not being able to see below its own belly, massive Frank trips over tiny Frank, causing the entire line of Franks to tumble on one another like a line of dominoes. Not only that, due to massive Frank's heft, it was shaped like a bowling ball and continued to ambush a whole country.
​
This had caused any previous plans of war with the Franks to be set in motion. The humans gathered armies and troops from all over the world, each specializing in a different type of warfare. The plan and moto was to "ELIMINATE ALL FRANKS OFF THE FACE OF THE EARTH", they called it "eafotfote", pronounced (ee-fo-fo).
​
The battle went on for a solid 3 days.
​
The people started off by picking off the smaller Franks, they thought they were the easiest to target. The Franks never really fought back, they are gentle creatures after all. By day 2, 6 different war groups had come together, they had plans to take down a big frank. Standing at 108 meters tall, it was long to say the least. The plan was to strike at its base until the frank became unstable and fell to the ground where it would not be able to get up. There, the humans would attack all over until Frank was eliminated. They began the takedown. Everything was going to plan, they began rejoicing as they witnessed the Frank wobbling in the air trying to regain its balance.
​
Just as they thought they were successful, Frank had fallen and squished all of them and a couple thousand more dead. So their very own method to eliminate the Franks had only caused the further destruction of their own kind. Because of this, the leaders of the various warfare groups, well those that were still alive, met to discuss. They realized that most Franks were even bigger and longer. They had no solution as to how to remove Frank kind without destroying Man kind first. This led to the conclusion of the war at D-3, 15:32.
​
Post War to Now
The population of Franks only continued to boom after the war. Now on earth, 69% of the intelligent species are Franks. Only Franks. The humans and Franks have since mended their friendships and the Franks have mastered the arts of - not accidentally steamrolling the fu*k out of humans. Peace, it seems.
What is a Frank?
Researchers and archaeologists have been asking themselves this very question for centuries now. The Frank is definitely not human. So what are they?
The truth is, no one really knows. Based on the Crater Theory, Franks are alien species with special abilities and supercharged farts but that is all based off a theory. They do however, have some rather intense farts. Based on visuals and similarities to Earth's species, Franks are part eagle, part duck and have very similar personalities to capybaras. They do also share some of the same DNA as deers, buffalos, ostriches, kangaroos, squirrels, whales, raccoons and giraffes.
Frank's Height
Due to the unique genetic modeling of Franks, and the research on fossils, it is found that they can grow up to a height of roughly 180 meters. However, through evolution over the years, Franks have become shorter and shorter. Most franks are found to have only grown to a small fraction of their capability, leaving the average height of franks now to be: 25 meters.
​
The record for the tallest frank is a stark 372 meters, while, the shortest frank lies at just a mere 25 centimeters. The two franks together have a height difference of 371 meters and 75 centimeters.
​
​
Due to the population of Frank kind getting shorter and shorter, scientists and researchers believe that there was a sub-species of Frank (above 165 meters) that carried the "MehGa Tall" gene, and that these gigantic subspecies have gone extinct. Leaving all the Frank kind with tall genes believed to be direct descendants of the Longest Frank in the Whole Wide World.
Frank's Weight
The frank species have been known to take many different types of forms in terms of their body, for example 'The Wavy Lank' or 'Pregnancy'. In addition, due to their ability to span from miniscule to enormous lengths, it is difficult to determine the specific weights that franks tend to be.
Surveyors have set out to try and gather as much data for the height's of frank, in attempt to determine the average. In a survey, conducted by the Shlong Foundation in 1983, data was gathered from 16,532 individual Franks. The average heights - oops